Let’s be honest, I’m over it.

When it comes down to it, I’m tired… more like exhausted. This year has been a LOT… nearly too much honestly. I think many of us are hitting breaking points, but I want to be real for a few minutes… & this post might be a bit messy, but hey, that’s life. The theme for today is: acne is real, social media is not.

Lately, I have been going through some deep shifts – mentally & emotionally. But, today, I am fed up with one particular issue: acne. It isn’t even the acne itself that is causing stress but the self-esteem & body-image issues that have really been effecting me the past couple weeks.

I am deep into my spiritual journey but it’s days like these that remind me that healing is a journey… or a rollercoaster, and a long & winding road at that. Sometimes certain issues hit us more intensely at times so that we can wake up to the reality of where we still need healing. Some days start on a good foot and then I find myself crying on my bedroom floor, & cancelling all of my plans because I don’t want to leave my house with my face all swollen/red (this was me today).

I’m proud of myself for picking myself up and moving this energy into something productive (writing this post), because I know I am not alone. Acne sucks. It really sucks, especially when it is painful. My skin has been going through it since I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease in 2014. Six years later and I finally decided to see a dermatologist about the skin issues I deal with. I’m on medicine & cream that will hopefully clear things up, but for me the problem is much deeper. It’s not about hormone imbalances or clogged pores or any of that, it is about the way I view my worth. Acne really does suck, but, feeling like you have to look or act a certain way to get people to accept you sucks even more.

Despite my years of healing work, my worth is fairly dependent on external factors. It honestly blow my mind that certain societal beleifs are so deeply ingrained into our psyche that healing never really stops. But, we must try… and I am. I am working through this. All we can do is get up every day and try our best (which will look different from day to day).

I had a bit of a wake-up call a few weeks ago and ever since then, my world has felt a bit shaky. I had a breakthrough in my healing process and my eyes were opened to some deep-seated trauma. I am trying to find solid ground but in all honesty, my foundation is rocky. It is what it is – I have to take responsibility for my healing & work through this. I might need to give myself extra grace & patience but I know this will take work.

I’ve been pondering these questions recently:

  • How do I get to a place where I can give love without fear of getting it back?
  • How do I get to a place where I can post something genuine & authentic without fear of people not liking me?
  • How do I allow myself to be who I am with reckless abandon?
  • How do I live freely without being reliant on the opinions of others?

I don’t think there is a direct path to answering any of these problems but awareness is the first step. I can identify the problems I face but really need to continue to take action to make these shifts.

One of the biggest issues for me right now is my relationship with social media (this problem also stems from self-image). When I am in a healthy headspace, I really enjoy Instagram. It gives me a platform to connect withlike-minded people, provides an outlet for creativity and allows me to express myself in different ways…

But, I’m exhausted. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of resorting to being fake because I don’t feel good about myself. I’m tired of putting filters on to mask the fact that I can’t let others see what I really look like. I am burnout from telling this story that life is amazing, wonderful & exciting. I mean, it is, but life is also extremely complex & I would not describe some of the things that have transpired in 2020 as “wonderful”. I tend to not share the moments when I am bored out of my mind or crying on my bedroom floor or trying to keep it together to stay afloat.

image from unsplash

I started this account out of truth, vulnerability, & authentic / honest self-expression. I want to get back to that… & I want to put in the work to get back to that. Let’s face it, vulnerability takes strength. It is easy to put on a filter, a smile & write a happy story: but that isn’t helping anyone. Falling into the illusion of the social media game is just adding to the problem.

I want to do better. Not only for myself but for the people that might see my content, for this community. Being real is important – especially at a time like this. I want to continue to search for deeper meaning, to cultivate meaningful relationships, to continue my search for freedom. I cannot grow in the ways that I want to if I continue to play into these false narratives.

Everyone wants to be liked, to be known, to feel seen, to be wanted. These wants are omnipresent in our everyday life but relying on these (or becoming vistim to them) is not sustainable or healthy.

Acceptance, peace & that deep agape love comes only from within. I am challenging myself & those who read this to be fearless. Go out into the unknown being fully who you are. Show the world the unique parts of you instead of trying to fit into the mold of whatever is trending. Take the initiative to care for yourself. Take responsiblity for your negative characteristics. Take charge in the journey of personal healing. Step out into the world & be vulnerable. Generate love. Spread peace. Be exactly who you are. (& if you don’t know who you are, take off your mask & figure it out).

Peace & love. -kendall