As my 27th birthday has come & gone, I almost feel like I am starting from scratch. I’m rebuilding, relearning, reprioritizing, analyzing all of my relationships & actively questioning the world around me.

& today, I want to talk about breaking free.

After reading Wintering last year, I have been enjoying living my life in tandem with the seasons. This past winter, I allowed myself to slow down, to hibernate, to rest & to dive into the deeper parts of myself – to face the shadows.

Last year was complete chaos for me. I felt like I was standing on quicksand, fighting to stay above the Earth, struggling to breathe. The pandemic left me in a very unhealthy state of fear. I was putting all of my energy into an environment that was taking advantage of me and all of my relationships were falling apart. I dug out the courage to leave a very toxic workplace in November and found myself detached, numb, burnout, – running on empty. I don’t even want to say I was stressed because that would be an understatement. I physically & mentally collapsed and was forced to face myself – something that was not very enjoyable.

In the depth of that darkness, I realized that for so long, I had been stuck in the role of the obedient, loyal, dedicated “good-girl”, lending my time and energy to ANYONE that asked. I didn’t know how to say no, I was living with zero boundaries and actively allowed people to walk all over me because I wanted people to like me.

I was putting my power in the hands of other people and living a life that wasn’t mine.

I found myself disconnected, detached and I started dissociating to the point where I barely recognized myself in the mirror. Abuse, trauma and toxicity can do that to you – especially if you tend to bury those things instead of working through them.

I spent most of the winter alone in my room, numbing the pain and trying to run from myself, all while disappearing from all my social circles. As dark as it was, there were times when I found the courage to go deep within myself and those moments changed everything. I allowed myself to look at my past, without judgement, analyze the very clear patterns in my life and get to the root of why I am the way I am and what past life situations have contributed to building the person I am today.